i conquered my own childhood silence and now the world is my lit confessional marquee,
but it'd take a busload of high school soccer girls to wash those hospitals off me

oh, am i clean?
nineteen.

they said sex will keep you young and make you older at the same time,
they said sex will have left you aged normally,
and so i guess it's sorta like smoking and walking at the same time
in that it will have left you aged normally

oh, am i clean?
lord, please, why me?

i wish i could feel close to somebody but i don't feel nothing.
now they say i need to quit doing all this random ffff-
now i think my upstairs neighbor hears me masturbating,
and there's other one's peeping through the slits in my curtains
and i never got a name for my shady compulsion
'cause i messed up and kissed my shrink in a jersey city hotel room..
and i know saying all this in public should make me feel funny,
but ya gotta yell something out you'd never tell nobody.

we found the dead fox, and a dozen matchbox cars, when we cut back the hedges on cortelyou place,
how many got lost left so long they grew moss 'cause they recoiled into the shadows of my embrace?
we found the dead fox, and a dozen matchbox cars, when we cut back the hedges on cortelyou place,
how many got lost left so long they grew moss 'cause they recoiled into the shadows of my embrace?

oh, am i clean?
lord, please, why me? 

-Yoni Wolf

M: I don't recall any sparkles in your room

A: well, there are now.

M:bullshit

A: hahaha

A: theyre all over my face too!

M: You just made me choke on my water

M: Congratulations, you have officially won life

A: HAHAHHA

What deranged creatures fester here

underneath your skin

you are a strange breed

translucent in the sunlight

arteries pulsing with promises of love

unkept hair in the morning

already slicked with grease 

of your fingers

of your lips 

of your words

do you live on this planet?

or dwell in some separate earth

where everyone speaks formally

and dresses as they please

where it is natural for hopes and dreams and fears and heartaches

to murmur lightly from your chest

where each heartbeat does not thrum

but whispers:

I'm sorry

When I met you 
most closely 
in the folding slow blink of a rose 
in the quiet of February’s locker 
in the winter 
I heard you in every crackle of the window glass as it tightened under the weight of water 
you are not a loud person, you are soft and gentle like spoonfulls of snowfall and sugar 
you are an angel spun from under nights 
I am bright, sun-clumbsy loving through fumbling thumbs 
I am all heavy 
you are above me

Back before we loved like knife wounds we were eggs awaiting the breaking an unborn sunrise

limbs winter-thin, simply skeletons in wind, we were open, holding nothing, only prayer

and In the springtime 
you are the heat unclasping the valley from the shroud of death 
you are the perennial, the broken lock on the chest of rebirth 
you are a thousand swollen bellies, aching to burst 
you are love in the face of darkness, life dancing in the jaws of dragons

the first night I 
let myself love you 
hell’s cellar cracked behind my eyes

you were beautiful… long haired sunbeam

I could smell the burning flesh 
the gasping breaths 
of suffocated lovers

setting fires in the spider’s nest you pound on 
a twin-legged bonfire taking arms against the midnight

I do not know 
if I can commit 
to this suicide

IN THE SUMMER you are colors drunken, children running away from home, you are the sun broken open watermelon, I am chin-deep, guilty mouth,

we stay waking, days stretching out their arms 
until collapsing

I know what the hottest part of you feels like and have been nearly eaten by your warmth 
have been made slick by your embrace 
swam in the grease of your insides 
I have known your tongue and pulled from this poem it’s ink 

I am still whole 
in places 
I never thought I could be 
still me  
even though my skin 
still smells  
from where she melted into me 
I carry him 
in my hips 

I  remember 
everything  
I have lost 
the earth purges things 
like bones 
that resurface 
again 
and again 
and again 

I am standing here 
wondering 
how he looks, 
now 
with me  
still smeared 
all over him 
I can imagine 
when the sun sets  
red 
and the city fades away 
and you begins to feel earthen again 
that roses grow out  
from the places 
I rested 
on you

IN AUTUMN, with everything leaning towards it’s ending 
we miss each other from under our ribs 
we breathe like cellos 
we open our necks

how dare we destroy each other this way 
how dare we 
so ungrateful 
tear each other apart 
when we didn’t make 
any of these muscles 
none of our fingers could tie 
so divinely 
the fibers of the apexes of stars 
and wind them 
so divinely 
around the most honorable of bones 
holding us up 
No 
it is not our mouths’ power 
to diminish each other’s spirits 
shadow the suns 
blasting out our chests

stars fall 
we hit  
like flint 
somewhere on the way down

The sun itself will dip down to you

Bake your clay just to weave it’s fingers through her hair

Hotter than he is

The fire will search out ice water when he leaves her.

This will fall on your land like a lone flicker of sunshine in 3AM darkness

White light arteries in the midnight’s arm.

in the end

we were

as long as we formed the words

voweled mouths and rounded time

matched lacerations

another toughened tree ring

the ephemera of a pulsing center

honey poured in the gears of a pocketwatch

a wound in the face of the earth

the sundering of a root system

the rythym of twin chests set by a metronome

the requiem of human percussion

Eden Connelly & Brian Omni Dillon

You lean in to kiss me.

You jump off buildings.

You drag through streets

Drunk, holding a python,

Chewing holes in cheek.

His name means happy,

But I’ve caught him sewing

Sorrow through his soulless shoes

Into fallow fields of memory

And he looked at me

Straight to the bone.

I told him, if you jump into the void

Take me with you. I miss traveling.

I don’t know where you go

But I can’t stand looking at you,

Trying to see you clearly, naked

And you just aren’t there.

-Zev Gottdiener

4
the first day we met,
I told you I missed you
already. I still do.
5 
you kissed me so hard
my lips bruised. I still look for 
you in the mirror.

6
If I wrote you a 
love poem, it would smell like ash.
I have burned many.

Colour 

Contrast

“I never fall apart because I never fall together.”

“People sometimes say that the way things happen in the movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen to you in life that's unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television -- you don't feel anything.”

I am a fraction of what you want, I could be everything you need.

I've got to lay low, 

drain your memory from my head 

and clear your name from my phone

.

I'm off to do some drowning, g o o d n i g h t.

Do you remember what made you fall?

And does it matter to you at all?

I'm not going to leave you, but I'm not going to love you either.

Decisions, decisions. I hope this only hurts tonight.

Panda

“She glides so much it seems like she floats and these folks
decide to crush her wings until they’re permanently broke.
She’d ride gusts of wind just by the way she spoke.
She cries, but loves to sing songs of freedom and hope.”

Go ahead. Keep saying you miss them.

Things I need to do:

-Study history

-History terms

-Playlist for Tyce

-Sew romper

-ADs and acticle

-English 110 make- up quiz

-Get notebook from Harry

Things I want to do:

Finish stick module-

Record new song-

Type/ organize poems-

Buy film-

Photo collage for Nik-

Almost all work finished and time to be creative. I want to paint and sew and write long into the dark hours. Send letters to everyone I love and apologize to them. 

I find myself able to open my heart fully

And love my friends

And love my family

And love the strangers who drop in and out of this plane. 

These are tangent lines; 

If we've intersected, I'd already die for you.

A Side Note: This is one thing I have never understood: The phrase "I would die for you."

I've heard it so many times and have come to recognize it as a symbol of affection, but it always made me curious. You see, I would jump in front of a bullet for anyone I've ever spoken to. Not because I hate my life, but because it holds no value in my opinion.

As twisted and cold as I may be sometimes, I see everyone's existence as greater than mine. 

Now, "I would kill for you" is a different story entirely. I have met only two people to which this applies, and have heard it only from my parents' mouths.

It is an interesting way to think, I think. 

Consider it family values.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD

Oh, and that's fine, but just so you know: I'm not good at waiting.

You've got me tapping my fingers and picking at my scabs.

I'm not interested in love; I've done all I can to purge it.

And now I want to forget you.

It makes you so much more interesting.

"In london, where the sirens yelp like a helpless dog with his paws stepped on

And the rain comes down in late july
And the record labels call you Why?"

If I could walk out of this house, down the road, and into yours, I would.

What a sad, sad way to think. And already the thought of you is overused- like my preference of commas over any other punctuation. Insignificant, small, curved, dainty.

If I were a symbol, I'd be a comma. Never quite finishing my trail of thought; never quite finishing anything.

I've got so much to do and already Spring's heat is getting to me. When did I ever long for warmth? The sun only swells my skin more, so when I look in the mirror I see nothing but an orb. I want to step out and look at myself objectively, Hide behind my parents'worry lines and just watch.

But I run and I run trapped in my own head, wondering why the numbers never match the view.

I've always known my eyes were broken, now I wonder if theirs are too.

I must finish what I've started.I must finish what I've started.I must finish what I've started.I must finish what I've started. And so, but then...